America's Dumbest Criminals by Daniel Butler

By Daniel Butler

This hysterical choice of tales of exact crimes dedicated via clumsy crooks and fumbling felons may have you giggling out loud at painfully dumb makes an attempt at crime. Illustrated.

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It turned out that only one major item was missing—but it was a significant one. An entire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet had been taken up and stolen. The officers on the scene were as perplexed as the burglary victims. They really had no idea how to track a hot carpet. Scratching their heads, they headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around. But wait! What’s this? In the yard, footprints showed on either side of a long, scraped trail leading out toward a nearby field. Either the carpet had been dragged in that direction, or a brontosaurus had just strolled by.

Instead, the defendant tried to explain his whole defense as succinctly as possible. ” The judge’s decision was made in record time! 3 Look Out! He’s Got a . . What Is That? Our research has shown not only that some criminals are dumb but also that some use fairly weird weapons. Some of the oddest weapons used: an index finger, an egg, a bowling ball, a wedge of cheese, an artificial leg, a twenty-one-pound turkey, a hot-fudge sundae, a banana, a frozen sausage, a lit cigarette, a one-and-a-half-pound Chihuahua, an insect, a snake, and a toilet seat.

Obviously, this was not going well at all for our criminal. ” he mused, then ordered her to drive around the block. Janice obeyed. They had just turned the corner when another problem apparently occurred to the worried criminal. His victim had seen what he looked like and presumably could relay his description to the police. “Don’t look at me,” he warned. ” “That would be difficult,” she told the crook. ” “Well, you just look straight ahead. ” She didn’t. Momentarily frustrated, the bandit then remembered that banks keep counter checks available for customer use.

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